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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24941365">Against me</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/kiimigi/pseuds/kiimigi'>kiimigi</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Red vs. Blue</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Forced Self-harm, Hurt/Comfort, It's all whump that's it, M/M, Psychological Torture, Self-Harm, Whump</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 07:42:50</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,359</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24941365</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/kiimigi/pseuds/kiimigi</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Wash has been through worse than this and has always bounced back. It'll take more than that to keep him down. He's out there pulling all sorts of Freelancer bullshit and wreaking havoc and making it look easy right now. He'll come for him. </p>
<p>Temple was bluffing just to get under his skin.</p>
<p>(Unless)</p>
<p>Wash can take whatever they throw at him</p>
<p>(Until he can’t)</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Lavernius Tucker/Agent Washington</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>40</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Against me</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>He kind of gets how Wash feels now.</p>
<p>He hasn't slept for days. </p>
<p>Tucker clenches his hands over his ears as he paces the concrete room but it does little to drown out the screams. Frenetic and shrill, the screams overlap and muddle into a static that feels like a spike drilling into his ear. Its so loud, it pounded his chest and rattled his teeth.</p>
<p>The insistent assault of sound was irritating at first, but it had chipped away at him, grating away at his nerves until it pierced like a shard of glass stuck in between his ear and he crumpled at the sound. he couldn't focus or think or do anything but pace as tears dripped down his cheek. </p>
<p>He would cuss it out, hurling swears into the void until his throat was horse but it was just drowned out by the screams so he just jammed himself in the corner and clenched over his head.</p>
<p>It's not always screaming though. When he finally caught a glimpse of sleep, he jerked awake by blaring sirens that went on for hours and sent his heart racing. Sometimes they change it up and play a mockingly cheery pop song on repeat and somehow that's even worse and he hears that tune stuck in his head after it's gone. </p>
<p>The only reprieve he gets is when guards come in to deposit food or beat the shit out of him, leaving him with cuts, a black eye and slip lip and hopefully no fractures and his entire body pounding. He winces as he brings his hands to his ears again and squeezes his eyes shut.</p>
<p>He clings onto the hope that Wash is coming to get him. Wash had gotten grabbed the same time he did but Tucker knows there's now way he's going to let these people hold him for long. That right now Wash is coming to help. He's out there pulling all sorts of Freelancer bullshit and wreaking havoc and making it look easy right now. He just wished Wash would hurry up about it and stop showing off. Black eyes are never fun and Tucker is getting impatient </p>
<p>Then silence.</p>
<p>The suddenness of it rings in his ears. </p>
<p>He keeps himself braced for the new onslaught but nothing comes. He slowly uncurls and leans against the wall and hears his thoughts for the first time in the longest time and breathes and he nearly sobs from relief of it. </p>
<p>He sleeps. </p>
<p>Days go by with nothing.</p>
<p>As time slowly ticks by he thinks that this must be a brand new form of torture and he's finally being left to starve to death. He can only hope Wash gets to him first. </p>
<p>"Hello, Lavernius?" The cheery voice crackles to life over the speakers. "How are you doing today? I hope you have been enjoying the last few days."</p>
<p>Tucker swears sharply at him. Most of his replies have been swears which is probably not the smartest move but he can't stop the rage and impulse that storms up. Even then, it's the only voice he's heard that isn't his and isn't screaming at him in days and something sick neediness flutters to life in his throat.</p>
<p>"I can see you're not in the mood to talk so I'll keep this brief. I just have a simple question, would you sacrifice yourself for your team?"</p>
<p>It would be so easy to say yes on an ordinary day. He knows that's the morally correct answer that is expected even demanded to say yes but in here, it could be a very much a reality and Tucker hesitates just for a second-</p>
<p>"Interesting" Temple says and its obvious bait</p>
<p>"What?" He snaps. </p>
<p>"It's funny. When I asked him, Agent Washington didn't even hesitate"</p>
<p>He perks up at Wash's name, nails digging into his hand enough to draw blood.</p>
<p>"He's proving to be very durable." the mic cuts off and he's suddenly alone. </p>
<p>"Wait!" Tucker jumps to his feet but it's already too late. He has nowhere to put his anger and frustration so he lashes out a wall and immediately regrets it as he cries out clutching his hand to his chest as his bone fractures.</p>
<p>The next few days are worse. </p>
<p>Tucker paces tearing at his hair as guilt curdles his guts knowing he could feel the bile in the back of his throat knowing that it's so blessedly quiet because Wash is suffering somewhere else. </p>
<p>He tries to wrench his thoughts away from Wash by imagining everything he'll do to Temple once they bust out of here. But his thoughts don't leave Wash for long and his mind keeps drifting back. Temple could be bluffing but that doesn't stop his imagination running wild, imagining scenario after scenario of Wash screaming his lungs out as he's ripped apart. </p>
<p><em> No! </em> He shouts at himself. Wash is strong. Stronger than anyone he know. He's been through worse than this and has always bounced back. It'll take more than that to keep him down. He'll come for him. Temple was bluffing just to get under his skin.</p>
<p>(Unless)</p>
<p>Wash can take whatever they throw at him</p>
<p>(Until he can’t)</p>
<p>A few days later, the door hisses and he whips around. He winced as the sudden brightness that burns his eyes. Standing there, Temple is an ominous shadow silhouetted by the door. </p>
<p>"Would you like to know how Agent Washington is doing?" He says with the tilt of his head as he strolls into the room. </p>
<p>"Yes" he says a little too quickly his face feeling hot with embarrassment at his desperation. If Tucker had said no, Temple would just leave him to stew for a couple more days until he's desperate enough and Temple gets the satisfaction of hearing Tucker say yes while Wash suffers some more. </p>
<p>Tucker wants to shout  Screw Wash and whatever dumb thing he said and start hitting me! Play those screams like mixtape! lets go!</p>
<p>Tucker's gut clenches at the sight of the knife and he eyes it in Temple hand. At least it's not being pressed to his neck. Yet. Instead Temple is holding it out to him hilt first.</p>
<p>Tucker takes it slowly.</p>
<p>He looked from the knife to Temple. Did he expect him to fight somebody? How long has he waits for his moment to come? He's armed and Temple is just an arms length away.</p>
<p>But he catches that impulse for once. In no scenario does he win. Temple had armour and he didn't. Even if by some miracle had the satisfaction of slitting his throat, he has no idea where wash was being held and he's sure the guards won't be giving him the opportunity to go find him</p>
<p>It would just turn into a lose-lose situation.</p>
<p>"I'll let you see him" Temple says "if you cut yourself"</p>
<p>"What?" It was like back in the canyon when they were bored out of their skulls, seeing who dared to stab their hand with the fork hardest like idiots "your crazy if you think I'm going to-"</p>
<p>"Oh you're mistaken, Tucker. I'm not going to make you do anything you" He laughs "but I guess you didn't really want to see Agent Washington after all. He's been asking for you. But if you do change your mind, I'll even let you choose where you want to do it"</p>
<p>Temple doesn't press him, just stands back and waits patiently. Tucker stares at the knife and remembers Felix and his hand trembles and his throat closes up.</p>
<p>The knife is heavier than he had expected. This wasn't what he was expecting at all. It would be so much easier if Temple and just hurt him. It would suck but then all he would have to do is brace himself and take it for a while until he gets to see Wash. </p>
<p>He knows there's big veins in his legs and wrists and he's hit with the horrifying imagine of bleeding out so he brings the knife to his chest. His pulse is pounding his ears and his knuckles are white around the hilt to stop them from trembling</p>
<p>On the first try, he drops the knife.</p>
<p>He knew this was going to hurt but the pain was shocking and he instinctively jumped back and the knife clattering to the floor. He is burning with embarrassment and frustration as he picks it up again. It's somehow harder the second time. Just do it already and stop being a baby! He shouts at himself and bullies himself into it and takes a deep breath and slashes himself across the chest. </p>
<p>The pain was bright and excoriating. He  doubles over as he chokes down a scream. his chest is burning and he only manages gasping half breathes. Temple is laughing above him and crouches in front of him. </p>
<p>Blood is soaking into his shirt and it's warm and wet against his skin.</p>
<p>"I can't believe you actually did it" he's still laughing and Tucker hates him so much he could feel it behind his eyes.. </p>
<p>"Now straighten up"</p>
<p>Tucker does and glares.</p>
<p>"Good job, Lavernius" Tucker hisses as Temple taps his shoulder which causes jolts of pain across his already searing chest and it takes everything he has not to hit his hand away</p>
<p>"Where's Wash" he says through gritted teeth.</p>
<p>"Oh you're not done yet. I don't think you've earned it yet." Tucker's heart sinks into his gut and he's going to be sick "Now cut yourself again but this time slowly"</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  
</p>
<p>The room was frigid. The type of cold that's sharp against the skin and stings the back of Tucker’s throat when he breathes. He hasn't been there 5 minutes and he is already shivering. </p>
<p>Unlike his cell which was four rough concrete walls, this room was overly sterile and shockingly white. The harsh smell of disinfectant burned his nose. </p>
<p>Tucker’s eyebrow creased as he padded into the room. Colored blocks littered one corner and there's that game where you have to move blocks from one end to the next in as little moves as possible and pens along with a stray stuffed cat plush in the middle of the room.</p>
<p>Sheets of paper are scattered everywhere. </p>
<p>When Tucker gets closer, he can see math problems scribbled messily across them. Some were neater and more rational while others are hastily scratched out with frustrated lines crossing out workings.</p>
<p>And there was Wash, pressed into the corner. </p>
<p>He's dressed in one of those thin hospital gowns with white shorts, shivering miserably. His hands are tied behind his back so he wouldn’t even rub a little bit of warmth back into his arms or cover his ears to protect from the screams. </p>
<p>Tucker pads cautiously over the papers. All he wants is to run to him but knows how Wash gets when he’s startled and paranoid. He'll bite his ear off it, that was all he got. He kneeled down in front of Wash not crowding him. </p>
<p>“Wash” he says quietly. Wash doesn’t look up. Even when the door had clanged open, Wash hadn't even looked their way. He had always known Wash as paranoid, tracking ever little so the fact that even now when he's a breath away wash hadn't even looked at him had a sickening wrongness to it. </p>
<p>“Wash” he says again a little louder, conscious that they were probably being watched. Temple probably laughing away watching this. </p>
<p>Wash makes a miserable little sound in the back of his throat and curls further into the wall.</p>
<p>“Go away” Wash says, almost too soft too hear</p>
<p>“What?”</p>
<p>“Shut up” Wash is trembling. “Stop talking to me” There was no malice in his voice. It just sounded...dead and it scared the shit out of Tucker. The first thought was that Temple had told Wash that if he talked to him he’d get punished or something sick like that-Temple had said he’d get to <em> see </em> Wash- but something told him that it wasn’t that.</p>
<p>"Wash, look at me!" Tucker snaps, grabbing Wash by the arms, shaking him.  Wash's eyes snapped up at once and he looks like he’s expecting to be hit. There's an almost drugged out haze to his eyes.</p>
<p>Wash looks terrible. </p>
<p>“Just leave me” Wash had squeezed his eyes shut, his voice growing more desperate as he tries to pull away from Tucker’s grip the best he could with his hands tied behind his back.</p>
<p>His face is all beat up with blood had dried under his nose and lips, there're dark circles under his eyes like he wasn't sleeping again. Tucker brings his  hands up to his face and whips the blood from his face. </p>
<p>Wash’s arms are covered in  precise surgical stitches and where his gown had ridden up tucker  can see more black thread up and down his thighs just like the fresh stitches Tucker has on his chest and arms.  Tucker looks him up and down for any serious injuries but it seems like the cuts are the worst of it.</p>
<p>The treatment had almost been as bad as he was made to sit still as antiseptic stung fresh wounds and a thread was drawn through his flesh. </p>
<p>Guilt curdles his stomach when he remembers that Wash had been bearing his portion of hurt as well. </p>
<p>“What’s wrong with you” Tucker snaps.</p>
<p>Wash pushes his cheek into his hands. Tucker had always run hot. Wash is so cold, he’s trembling and sniffling a bit, angles towards Tucker. At the sensation of warmth, a little frown forms in between Wash’s brows and he looks up through his lashes at Tucker like he's actually seeing him.</p>
<p>“Tucker?” Wash says softly. He looks confused </p>
<p>“Yeah, it’s me” Tucker says, relief bubbling up in his throat.</p>
<p>“You’re real? You're -” He says like he can’t believe it. Tucker’s heart drops. There was a acid mix of relief and confusion and fear in Wash’s voice that he had never heard before. He had seen Wash on-edge and outright paranoid but never scared.</p>
<p>Wash blinks rapidly as if trying to clear his mind, his eyes darting all over the room as if expecting to see something there before focusing on Tucker again, his vision clearing slightly and tucker think he may cry “You’re real.”</p>
<p>“Your hurt,” He says, his fingers lightly brushing over the fresh stitches on his thigh.</p>
<p>“I’m fine.” Tucker says quickly drawing his hand away because it stings a little when wash touches them. His hands are like icicles.</p>
<p>“How about you, Wash?”  he says quickly. Wash is still staring at him like he can't believe that he’s real and he's asking him that. Wash chokes down a sob bubbles up and he can see tears welling up in his eyes. Wash turns away from him, and tries to hide his face. Its a stab to Tucker’s heart. </p>
<p>“Can you-Can you undo the ropes”</p>
<p>“Shit, of course” Tucker reaches around Wash and tries to undo the knots. It takes a little bit of effort and Wash hisses when he tuggs too hard but eventaully gets it undone and Wash’s hands immediately go to his eyes scrubbing at him. </p>
<p>“What’s wrong?” </p>
<p>"I'm sorry I couldn’t-" Wash voice cracks pressing the heels of palm into his eyes </p>
<p>"I’m alright" Tucker says again quickly "But your freezing, Wash"</p>
<p>He leans them against the wall and just holds Wash. Its clumsy and not necessarily comfortable but he focuses on rubbing warmth back into him as his teeth chatter. In the past, Wash had felt lighter when they leant against each other, never truly relaxing holding some of his own weight prepared to jump up again but now he's a dead weight as he sags into him and lets Tucker take all his weight. He presses his nose into Tucker’s chest, teeth chattering and Tucker has to bite back a hiss as he touches his own wounds.</p>
<p>"Your alive." Wash says quietly, still trying not to cry. He had never seen wash cry before and it breaks him as well. Wash was always so stubborn, he’ll fight until he goes down, but now he looks so tired and vulnerable like he would shatter if Tucker held him too tightly.  And it’s so wrong it makes Tucker sick.</p>
<p>“I’m sorry about Grif”</p>
<p>“What”</p>
<p>“I couldn’t save him. I couldn’t solve it”</p>
<p>“What? No they didn’t get Grif. He got away. They all got away” </p>
<p> "I thought- I couldn't solve it. It was too hard and I was so tired and they told me-they told me Grify got hurt and you died because I couldn't-"</p>
<p>Wash goes rigidly stiff and he can see the horror sink into Wash’s face as every muscle in his body goes tense before he turns his face determinedly away as he silently breaks down beside him.</p>
<p>The realization hits him at the same time.</p>
<p>The confusion, the equations, the tests, the scenarios it all made sense now.</p>
<p>Its all too familiar.</p>
<p>They were doing to Wash what they had done to Alpha</p>
<p>Wash had just been shoved back into his worst nightmares and darkest days. </p>
<p>Church-Epsilon-had told him vaguely about what happened after the disaster which was their first meeting. Back when Wash wouldn't respond to his own name and York and North had walked in on him with a gun in his mouth and the medical files of his time in the hospital of not being able to tell what's real.</p>
<p>They had probably given Wash a stuffed animal just to take it away from him later.</p>
<p>Wash’s hands went to the back of his neck as he curled in on himself. </p>
<p>“Stop that!” Tucker grabs at his hands as fingers dug into skin enough to leave red angry marks and draw blood. </p>
<p>Tucker just holds him and soothing his back, careful not to touch any of the stitching because what else can he do. </p>
<p>He has no idea how long they stayed there could have been minutes or hours or days but it still felt too sudden that the door hisses open and tucker heart freezes as guards step into the room. </p>
<p>Wash seemed to recognize it too and that they were going to take Tucker away as tension jolts back into his body and he curls in on himself. </p>
<p>Fierce acidic rage fills tucker and he can taste bile at the back of his throat. He's not going to let them touch wash again. Tucker pushed himself into a stand and faced them. </p>
<p>"Don't Tucker- " There's panic in Wash's voice. </p>
<p>There's too many of them and no room to move in the tight space with Wash curled up behind him. Tucker was only dressed in a light shirt and shorts and barefoot but he's going to give them hell before he lets them touch wash again. Behind him, Wash is trying to push his legs under him and stand but he's shaking too much and falls back.</p>
<p>The fight was over before it even began as his vision whites out as a baton slammed into his cheek. He's punched in the stomach and bile rises at the back of the throat. He crashes to the floor and a boot on his chest keeps him there, grinding into stitches and he feels fresh blood. </p>
<p>Then Wash is suddenly appearing between them, he throws his body weight clumsily at the guard throwing them to the side. There's a slight struggle but there's a crack and Wash’s head is knocked back as is elbowed in the eye and pushed off easily.</p>
<p>Wash eyes blow wide as he lets out a gasped scream as he gripped by the back of his neck and Tucker pretty much goes fetal. </p>
<p>Tucker is clawing at eyes and sinking teeth into anything that gets close. Hands are grabbing at him, twisting his arm sharply behind his back shooting pain up his shoulder and he's being hauled off bloody. He cries Wash's name but it's useless as his last vision of Wash is with his head being forced to the ground by the back of his neck as the guard readies a knife. </p>
<p>
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</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>shout out to my office being so cold that it inspired whump</p></blockquote></div></div>
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